Your daughter is changing. It’s an adjustment for both you and your daughter. Here’s some characteristics that you may be seeing in your daughter derived from observing many middle schoolers and being a parent to my 13 year old daughter.
1) She will often talk in black and white terms such as using “always” and “never.” For example, “Everyone has a phone but me.” “I’ll never get over my fear of spiders.” One day she says, “I love this class, it is so much fun!” and he next day, “I hate that class. We have to …”
Keep in mind: Try not to buy in to the extreme emotions. Know that it IS her valid experience of the moment but it could easily change the next minute, hour or day. She does think her feelings will be there forever! So wait a few days to see if things change before deciding whether to take any action on it. She can feel her feelings, let them go through her, and she will move on.
2) Her decision making skills seem to be getting worse. She may make more impulsive and/ illogical decisions or have difficulty in general making decisions.
Keep in mind: Her brain is undergoing rapid developmental changes. Her pre-frontal cortex where sound decision making is made is ‘under construction’ and won’t be fully developed for awhile. Be patient with the belief that she will be able to handle making good decisions in the future even if your lacking confidence now in her abilities. Her skills will improve with practice.
3) Your daughter’s behavior’s may be reminiscent of her preschool years.
Keep in mind: My kids preschool teacher talked often about how your kid was in preschool will be similar to how they are as a teenager. So if their emotions were all over the place as a preschooler, you can expect the same for the adolescent years. Just like a toddler having a temper tantrum, if you provide them the space to express their emotions, they can and will get through them.
4) Figure out if your daughter is an introvert, extrovert, or ambivert. Susan Cain’s newest book Quiet Power has a quiz your daughter can take to determine where she falls on the spectrum. An introvert refuels her batteries by spending time alone, and an extrovert refuels her batteries by spending time with others.
Keep in mind: Middle school, with its crowded hallways and noise can be overwhelming for some introverts. Coming home and having quiet downtime can be a welcome respite from the chaos. Also having at least one class where the teacher is fairly strict on the noise level can be super helpful for the introvert.
5) When she is having a problem, ask her what she would like from you: Does she want you to just listen, give advice, brainstorm solutions?
Keep in mind: If she is having a problem with a girl, don’t leap to calling her friend’s parent. This is horrifying to the middle school girl and can make things worse.
6) A lot of girls really feel the pressure to be perfect. Perfect means looking beautiful, having a slim body, getting all A’s, nice to everyone, having lots of friends, maybe having a boyfriend, never expressing any jealousy or sadness or anger. These expectations are impossible to meet.
Keep in mind: I remember before I was in a love relationship, I thought you had to be perfect for someone to fall in love with you. It’s actually in our imperfection that we can connect with others, expressing our vulnerabilities, and therefore creating acceptance and love. Ask your daughter if she feels the need to be perfect and what that means to her.
7) Friendships are forever changing in middle school. Your daughter might have had a best friend in elementary school and now they are no longer friends. Middle schoolers are changing quickly, trying to figure out who they are. Thus relationships change too.
Keep in mind: Girls can really feel hurt when dropped by a friend. She’ll need time and space to grieve the loss of that friendship. Foster relationships with friends outside of the school setting.
8) You see your once confident daughter flounder, afraid to stand up for herself, speak up in class, and seems to have a lot of anxiety.
Keep in mind: Middle school girls become very self-conscious; so much is changing in their world. There is a lot of judgment of self and others in middle school. If she was confident in elementary school, she will come back to the essence of who she was after the middle school years.
9) When she is around her friend or on the phone, she talks very loudly! And her personality may change into a louder personality.
Keep in mind: I have no idea why this happens, did her hearing suddenly get worse? I remember talking loudly as a teen. I find it very irritating as a parent. But I try to tolerate it and know she will probably have a more consistent personality by high school. Girls often feel the need to ‘be happy’ around their friends. They don’t want to be a downer or show sadness. They want to be liked and be fun. This facade leads to girls dismissing their true personality sometimes.
What do you notice changing with your daughter? Please comment below, I’d love to hear from you!
Zen Y’All,
Kim Davies