One of our biggest problems in life is judgment.
Toastmasters right now is my most dreaded part of the week! (Toastmasters is a group designed to help you become a better public speaker- a fear of mine). Last week I was assigned the “Grammarian” role in Toastmasters. (My role was to keep track of “uh’s” and “ums”, notice any repeats or incomplete sentences, introduce the word of the day and point out grammatical errors. I do not know that much about grammar and could not find any grammatical errors. Did I mention this is a group for professional speakers? Well needless too say, my self- judgement monster hit me hard. The next day I had a judgement hangover.
From this place of judgement, I could not reach compassion within myself. I knew the reassurances to say to myself: “This was my first time. The other people have been doing this for years. I am just learning. It’s okay. I sucked and that is ok, I did it! Showing up and participating is enough!” But none of these statements assuaged my feelings of incompetence and self- doubt. I had dug myself into a hole of self-loathing. Then I up leveled the judgements to a global scale. “I’ll never be good at public speaking. How can I teach empowerment when I am such a wuss? I am such a fraud. etc.” You get the idea. Can you relate?
This raises the question: How do we get to a place of compassion towards ourselves when stuck in self- judgment and low confidence?
I was not able to get to any sort of compassion.
However two days later I woke up in a much better space and I was able to get to a place of compassion. I was able to hear those words “You did it. You got through it and you survived.”
Think about teens and tweens- the hardest part of middle school is the heightened judgement that is shelled out and received. We are talking JUDGEMENT CITY!
We take judgement very seriously. We judge others to make ourselves feel better but we are really trying to escape our own self-judgement. We wouldn’t judge others so harshly if we didn’t judge ourselves so harshly.
The teen with her arms folded across her chest, sits in a stew of judgement-” I don’t want to do that. You can’t make me do that. That is stupid.”
We judge to keep ourselves safe. But it doesn’t work. We end up feeling worse. Girls talk about other girls all the time. And although they may feel better in the moment, judging themselves as better than the others, there’s the realization of what are others saying about me?
One of the antidotes to judgement is play. Play that moves you beyond your thinking mind. I like to use improv games in my classes because when we can get into the mode of being silly and playful, away from our thinking and judging minds, we are in the moment, having fun and playing! Really life is only fun when we are able to drop the judgements.
Think of what a different world we would have if we didn’t judge others. Now that isn’t going to happen. We will always have judgement. Many of our thoughts are judgements. It’s how we respond to them or not that is key.
Some days we will be able to not listen to the negative judgments and some days it will get the better of us. That is the nature of being human.
How do you deal with judgement? Comment below!
Kim Davies
One of my favorite bloggers Alexandra Franzen is doing a book talk on her book “You’re Going to Survive How to be Courageous in the Face of Rejection, Criticism, and other Soul Crushing Experiences.”
Her book talk is at New Renaissance book store on 1/30/18 (Portland, OR). Click here for more info.
Upcoming classes in Portland, OR
Girls Rock Empowerment Group
Maplewood (SW Portland) for 4th and 5th grade girls, starts this week! 1/18/18
Thursdays 2:15-3:30pm
Click here for more info. and registration
Mother Daughter Strength and Empowerment Workshop
Sunday 1/21/18 for ages 9-12 and their moms.
Focus on safe exercising, body trust and confidence, plus essential oils.
Click here for more info. and registration<
Monday January 29, 2018 (no school day)
Sellwood Middle School
10am-3:30pm, $65
Click here for more info.